Short Opinion!!!

I am pleased as punch that you have that tiny brake on your colorful little bike!

the worst of the bad "performing arts" Open mic standup review Part I

I sat on this one for awhile because as you all can tell i am bad at keeping a blog. but last night just reiterated that i had to say something about this. Opinion! BAD STANDUP COMEDY IS HANDS DOWN THE WORST OF ALL BAD PERFORMING ARTS. Seriously i would rather watch performance art which is like watching the kids who did drama in high school ( note: i did drama in high school) all grown up but still acting like they are drama kids in high school. and i would prefer sitting through 1000 bad bands (note: i have probably sat through at least 1000 bad bands) with a smile on my face than attending amateur open mic stand up comedy.

i was in los angeles area for thanksgiving and my wonderful little sister had a friend doing open mic, she was funny, but she was also the second to last comic. so that meant that we had to sit through every other pathetic, sad, unfunny hack before we could watch her and leave. when we got there i was like "okay, they have high life, i can do this." i could not drink fast enough. in retrospect i should have just started shotgunning after the first loser made a sex joke in a fake japanese accent (true story) if i have to go to this particular venue again i will bring a beer bong that says "you're not funny" on the side. THAT would be the only funny thing going on.

So following this champion of craptastic (and racist, but not "funny racist" just really ignorant) comedy we get the frat boy who probably cracks all the other brothers up with his "jokes about fuckin'"(he said that, en serio) so this chief is wearing an affliction shirt, and has a neck thicker than my thigh(i have nice thighs, by the way). his jokes are really mostly about fuckin' which is pretty boring to begin with, then this rad dude blows my mind BY PULLING OUT A PROP. That is not okay. this is not "classic" star search and there was NO sense of irony that he was USING A FUCKING PROP the joke was so unfunny that i will not even waste your time describing it just know that it ended with him wearing a strap-on and nobody laughing.

The next guy kind of sucked but was just sort of "wacky" and "off beat" or whatever. he had dishevelled hair and aviator sunglasses and was fat, he probably wears a headband or a pajama shirt to take notice away from the fact that he isn't really funny.

Then i had an existential freakout dealing with the next guy that just made me wish that the lord god almighty would just destroy this world because it is such a sad sad place. He drove to LA from fresno, sad, and told multiple jokes about how he is bald because he is fucking married, seriously? in 2009? "oh my god i just HATE the person i chose to be my partner for life. she is a soul sucking bitch of a demon and i hope she dies. married!" he did not say that. if he had taken it to a level of ridiculousness then it might have been funny. he made other self deprecating jokes and really should have ended his set hanging himself with the mic cord because there really was no humor or hope in his therapy session.

and last night i did it again. i think that i love hating so much that i continue to do things that i know will make me angry just to get that juicy fresh-squeezed hate.
San Francisco was not much better. i need to collect my thoughts and i will get back to you with another "thrilling" open mic standup review!

something i hope never happens to me.

You know how in comics and sci-fi there is the inevitability that at some point there will be someone peering into a microscope exclaiming "My god! His cells they're ________!" I hope that never happens to me. Disclaimer! If the cells are doing something awesome like, say, regenerating or giving me the POWER OF FLIGHT then this "electronic essay" is rendered null and void.

Why this doesn't seem sketchy at all!

Can't imagine how this could get weird...

I hate guitar center

For oh so many reasons. If you have never had the "pleasure" of shopping at the largest chain of instrument stores on the west coast then you have missed some sweeeeeet strip malls for one. For two, if you ever do i recommend counting backwards in your head from 60 and see how far you get until something pisses you off. i usually make it to around 30.
whether it be the unhelpful yet pushy sales force trying to upsell you to a kickass BC Rich

when all you wanted were SOME GODDAMN picks and strings (the only thing worth venturing to GC for, and even then i sometimes spend the extra ten-fifteen dollars to buy strings somewhere else). While he strokes his fucking goatee and tells you about his band that he is listening to on the boom box behind the counter (true story, mostly).
i swear that every salesperson's nametag should just say Dick on it.
Also they seem to know less about what they are selling than the folks at Radioshack which is mind boggling, and worse because they do not have the blank stare of a Radioshack employee that does not give one shit about their job, oh no, they will argue with you no matter how wrong they are. Because they, after all, can play the solo from november rain or some garbage on a JCM 2000 when they have some down time at the store.
and the customers.
i have been to my fair share of GC's up and down the coast and even in different states because it is like fast food, and when you are "on the road" you sometimes HAVE to eat taco bell. CONNECTION: both taco bell and GC give me stomach aches. How droll Seth, hahahaha, ohhhhh. where was i?
Ahhh yes the customers. Be it the pimply faced teen playing the first few bars of smoke on the water OVER AND OVER. The old guy who is testing out a brand new crystal clear Gallien Kreuger by playing Rush(almost everytime). Or the bro-dog with the backward baseball cap playing a "shredding" solo while his girlfriend, who has a ponytail and sometimes a baseball cap, stands there looking bored.
From the bad music, to the cheap equipment, to the untold pounds of bad facial hair, Guitar Center is a crappy place that should be stayed away from as much as possible.
Thanks Steve for getting me started on this one!

"punk rock" hair, isn't.

First off the google image search for "punk hairstyles" sucks, just wanted to put that out there. It is as if US Weekly were actually in the computer choosing what is considered a "punk hairstyle" So no images this week dear readers of which there are possibly none left due to my less than frequent posts.
Back to the hate(read opinions). There was a fellow who wore all black, and had bondage belts, and looked down on people less "punk" than him. Which was, well, everyone. Where am i going with this? just wait and you will find out do not rush me, its hard enough just trying to come up with an opinion these days. Jesus.
He had perfectly two toned hair. It looked professional it was so perfect, that must have taken literally hours to do. Hours that could have been spent smashing the state or starting an anarcho-syndicate commune or something. You know who else spends hours on their hair?Rich people and old ladies, are they punk? sometimes. i am the first to tell you that i am no authority on what is punk but in my opinion something so contrived can hardly be called punk, he might as well have gotten a damn sex pistols shirt from hot topic at the same time he was purchasing his "manic panic"(here is where i opine that the sex pistols suck, so obvious)
And "liberty spikes"? do you have any idea how much time and effort that takes? neither do i. they look stupid and i do not have time for that, too busy putting studs on my leather vest for hours at a time. Bi-hawks, tri-hawks exponentially more silly. i know it is fun to play dress up you little scamps, but it takes a special sort of man-child to do it every day and with that much conviction. Everyone needs a hobby i guess...

I think i willed this into being.

It's so beautiful i might cry.
First! a little bit of history on malt liquor. When malt liquor was first being made it was marketed to middle and upper middle class suburban white folk. which is why two of the oldest, Country Club and High Life have such high falutin names. This of course changed over the years and i won't get into that here because of the socio-political ramifications i am not at ease to deal with in my little "blog".
Second! Miller High Life is malt liquor. Not always a well known fact. 5.5 alcohol content. Plus it goes down smooth.

Last fall i spotted this on a 12er of 12 oz.s and this year we receive the gift of 16 oz.s clad in a take on woodland dpm that uses beautiful fall colors. Camoflauge (the pattern not the malt liquor, that might get dangerous) and Miller High Life two great tastes that taste great together.

Thanks Christine for snapping the photo with your future phone!